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Scarlett Johannson could be yours for an entire evening. Provided you have a buttload of cash and win a charity auction on eBay. Scarlett goes up for bidding on Sunday, so start digging in those couch cushions. You’ll get a chance to help those in need and possibly see some cleavage. It reminds me of that passage in the Bible about caring for others: “And so Jesus said to Thomas, ‘Dude, I totally need to touch that chick at the well’s cones. Go get me a blind dude to heal. STAT. For real, that move is guaranteed to get me to No-Pants-rusalem.’ And Thomas did as the Lord commandeth securing his heavenly position of righteous wing-man.” 2 Superficialonians 5:19 (KJV).

Kim Kardashian gave a homeless man $20 outside the Gucci store yesterday. This would’ve been a nice humanitarian moment if, after the cameras were off, Kim didn’t smother the man to death with her monster rack and take back the $20. The dude didn’t mind though. He was going to drive his wheelchair onto the freeway anyway and prove the government’s listening to our cereal. Rest in peace, Joe “Sugar Smacks” Tate. You died a hero’s death.